


Cruel Summer

by likehandlingroses



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 21:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likehandlingroses/pseuds/likehandlingroses
Summary: It’s 1981, and Sirius knows that in all probability, loving Remus is the worst choice he could make. It’s also the only choice he can make.





	Cruel Summer

**August, 1981**

“Yeah…oh,_ yes_, Sirius…”**  
**

Remus’s fingers are strangely cool to the touch on Sirius’s back, and Sirius shuts his eyes against the irrepressible fact of the matter: someone close to the Potters is passing information to Voldemort. And at this moment, all signs point to it being Remus. 

Lily think it’s sufficient to be careful and discreet with everyone: “isn’t that what we ought to be doing anyway?” James still doesn’t seem to believe there really _is_ a spy. But Sirius can’t sit and wait for the truth to reveal itself. Life is enough of a gamble without turning a blind eye to the facts. Facts are the only defense anyone has against the senselessness of the world, the chaos and injustice.

He’s spent weeks paring the list down, checking his theories against an ever evolving array of evidence. The tangle of information has narrowed down to implicate the very person whose neck Sirius has buried his face into, kissing along the hollow as if his life depends on it. 

Each time Sirius looks down at Remus, watches his lips turn up into a smile and the edges of his eyes soften, he wants nothing more than to toss every fact and figure out the window. Out of existence entirely, if he can find a way to manage it. 

It’s a ruthless cycle: Sirius pretends to forget what he knows, only to be hit by a wave of revulsion in the quiet and stillness of the night, hearing Remus breathe beside him. Then, just as quickly, Sirius is wracked with guilt for ever entertaining the thought, for putting something as crude as practical evidence above who he knows Remus to be in his very bones.

The fiercer the wave of revulsion hits, the further back Sirius pulls in response. His hands, his kisses, his very spirit, turn towards softness in the face of that ugly, callous monstrosity named Suspicion. 

Being with Remus is rather like inspecting an exposed wound: the deeper it goes, the more it stings, and even the gentlest touches provoke further irritation. Even still, Sirius goes back to the wound, refuses the idea of bandages and balms. As if there’s something inside of himself that can soothe it once and for all. 

“Is something wrong?” Remus asks, perhaps sensing, finally, that Sirius’s feather-light touches are imbued with an unutterable weight. 

“I’m fine,” Sirius lies, his voice strained. “Good. So good.” 

His lips brush against Remus’s temple, catching a shock of warmth that nearly undoes him. 

Years of waiting, years of wondering what feelings went where, and now that he and Remus have finally come together, the world deals him a hand that cannot win. 

He knows Remus–if Remus ever catches a hint, a whisper, of Sirius’s doubt, it will be over and done between them. Perhaps–if Sirius was sure–he could live with that, eventually. 

The trouble is, Sirius suspects he’ll never really be sure. Even if he catches Remus in the act, some part of him will always push back, keep the tide rushing in and out at a fever pitch. Love–that cruel, thoughtless force–has damned him. 

It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, Sirius thinks, pulling his arms tighter around Remus. He’s not sure, even now, if he means the love or the suspicion. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is based on the Taylor Swift song "Cruel Summer." 
> 
> I’m doing a ficlet (500-1000 words) for each of the new songs on Taylor Swift’s album “Lover,” so check back on my user page for more, if that interests you at all!


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